Christmas vs. Chanukah
· Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work.
· We go to movies and out for Chinese food.
Chanukah is eight days.
· It starts the evening of the 24th
of Kislev, whenever that falls.
· No one is ever sure.
· Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah
starts, forcing us to consult a calendar
· so we don't look like idiots.
* Christmas is a major holiday.
* Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most
Jewish holidays:
They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat!!!
* Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry,
perfume, stereos...
* Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or
a the collected works which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
* There is only one way to spell Christmas.
* No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka,
Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka.
* Christmas is a time to expect special gifts.
* Jewish men are relieved of that burden.
No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
* Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
* Candles are used for Chanukah.
Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about
not contributing to the energy crisis.
* Christmas carols are beautiful.
Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.....
* Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about
having a party and dancing the Hora.
Of course, we secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were
composed and written by our tribal brethren.
And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
* A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The
sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people
are gathered around in festive moods.
* A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions.
The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
* Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies.
* Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating
potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah.
Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. .
* The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce
names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.
* The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah,
Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends
anything and they believe we are wonderfully
versed in our history.
* Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.
* Jews think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman
is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want
to blame God. Here's the number of my shrink."
* In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
* The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a
minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a
major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about
celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve
yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated
soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed
good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 per person.
